Your Zucchini is in my Chocolate! NO! Your Chocolate is in my Zucchini!

So, I got a good one for ya: I was baking zucchini bread the other day...and BOY, ARE MY ARMS TIRED! Hahaha...I know.  I think I'm missing a part of the set up somewhere.  But I was told by a very smart little boy that if you exclaim the word "JOKES!" while displaying jazz hands after anything you say, it's funny.  So.  I was baking zucchini bread the other day...and BOY, ARE MY ARMS TIRED! JOKES! ...No, it doesn't work, still. I even did the jazz hands.  Nevermind.

Recipe # 16: Chocolate Zucchini Loaf and Muffins

Choice of libation: Just tea.  With rum in it.

Choice of music: That's a Plenty by The Pointer Sisters. It was an album they released in the mid 70's that had a lot of blues and jazz covers. I don't care if I'm the only one in the world who likes the 8:30 minute song, "Love In Them There Hills." It is groove-tastic.

This is to prove to you that these muffins/loaves are indeed very healthy.  Look at the ingredients I start with!

I even ended up with 2 and a half cups of shredded zucchini instead of just 2!

IT IS BASICALLY A SALAD!

I mean, don't you put a cup and a half of sugar and chocolate into your salad?

...and rum, when you can't find vanilla extract?

(let's face it - I will never buy vanilla extract)

Oh yeah, so this is why my arms are tired -- you're supposed to use a mixer but we don't have one, so I had to hand mix everything.  AND BOY ARE MY ARMS SORE! JOKES!

Chocolate has antioxidants.  What?

Funny story -- I don't have a full sized loaf pan, I have one muffin tin and a teensy loaf pan.

Look at how teensy the loaf pan is in comparison to the rum? Oh, crap. I'm almost out of rum.

It looks like real baked items! Hooray! And I only burned one part of my hand when putting them in the oven! 

I wanted to make it look like I was feeding you, but now that I look at this picture it just kind of looks like I have a weird hand cramp and it's about to fall out of my hand.  And the "feeding you" idea is probably a little creepy.  

But I will say, this turned out pretty well. I brought it to rehearsal to share with my cast members. I pointed out that the muffins not only had whole wheat flour, but 2 and a half cups of zucchini and really healthy antioxidantsy chocolate. 

So.  I pretty much saved everyone's life. 

Stolen from Alida's Kitchen

2 1/2 cups whole wheat pastry flour (or all-purpose flour)

1/2 cup unsweetened cocoa powder

1 teaspoon baking soda

1/4 teaspoon baking powder

1/4 teaspoon salt

1 1/2 cups granulated sugar

1 cup canola oil

3 eggs

1 tablespoon vanilla extract

2 cups shredded zucchini, squeezed dry

1/2 cup semi-sweet chocolate chips

instructions

Preheat oven to 350* F.

In a medium bowl, whisk together flour, cocoa, baking soda, baking powder, and salt.

In a large bowl, on medium speed, beat sugar, oil, eggs and vanilla until combined.

Reduce the mixer speed to low and gradually add flour mixture to wet ingredients, until blended. Stir zucchini and chocolate chips.

Pour batter into prepared pan(s). Bake for 50 to 60 minutes, or until a toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean. Let cool in pan for 10 minutes, and then remove to a wire rack to cool completely.

When You Have a Food Blog But Just Want to Order Aroy Thai

I thought to myself, "What recipe could possibly follow an apple pie with a cheddar crust?! It should be something innovative, something inspiring, something that really pushes the envelope..."And then I realized I just wanted to put a bunch of peanut sauce on something and eat it. I have those days sometimes. I know you do, too. Also, I was tired this week.  So I figured this was a good time to use the slow cooker.

Recipe #15: Crock-pot Chicken with Peanut Sauce

Choice of libation: A brut rose from the fabulous sparkling wine makers at L. Mawby in the Leelanau Peninsula in Michigan.  We've visited the vineyards twice so far, and every time, we leave a little tipsy and with a few bottles. This one is more on the sweeter side, but it pairs pretty well with spicy or salty foods.  I tasted a lot of nectarine.  It is a great bottle to bring to parties. Specifically so you can yell, "WHO WANTS SEX?!"

 

Oh.  Also, the wine is called "Sex."

Choice of music: The Historical Conquests of Josh Ritter.  It is one of his best, in my opinion.  It kind of also reminds me of Johnny Cash a little bit.  I'm so bummed I'm missing his concert in Chicago next week. You should go in my place! Click here.  

The peanut sauce is pretty straight forward.  I only used these items which I got at THE NEW MARIANO'S OUTSIDE MY HOUSE! Sorry.  I will stop geeking out about that.

...yummy? The recipe says, don't worry about the way it looks.  Even if it separates now, it will come together in the crock-pot.  So.

Dump stuff into the slow cooker.  I didn't show me cubing the chicken and sauteing the onions because I figured we're past all that now.

Again.  I decided not to worry about it.

Set the timer for three hours! This gives me enough time to study lines and think about going to the gym!

Okay, true story: I went to the gym. But every cardio machine was taken.  So. 

Anyway.

I added broccoli, green onions and red peppers into the mix, 30 minutes before it was done cooking.

And, voila! Serve on top of whole wheat noodles or brown rice or just a plate if you're one of those no-carb humans. Yeah, the dish isn't life changing, but I would make it again. And it did keep me from pressing #4 on my speed dial (Aroy Thai). 

 stolen from http://practical-stewardship.com/

1 onion, minced
1-2 T olive oil
1 lb. of free-range chicken if possible cubed (If you are making this vegan or vegetarian, substitute the chicken with a pound of your favorite stir fry vegetables)
2 carrots, chopped
VEGAN THAI PEANUT SAUCE
1/2 cup natural peanut butter
1/2 cup soy sauce or liquid amminos
1/2 cup water or broth-use vegetable broth for vegan
2-5 garlic cloves, minced
1 inch of fresh ginger, peeled & grated
1/4 t red pepper flakes, or to taste
ADDITIONAL VEGETABLES
2 cups broccoli, chopped
1 bell pepper, chopped
3 green onions, chopped
Instructions

Optional, sauté onions in 1-2 T olive oil until translucent.
In a medium mixing bowl combine the 6 peanut sauce ingredients, and stir until combined. Don't worry if the sauce has separated a bit. It will melt and come together in the crock-pot.
Place onion, cubed chicken (or vegetable substitute), and carrots in the crock-pot.
Coat the chicken mixture with the peanut sauce.
Cover, and cook on high for 3-4 hours, or on low for 5-6 hours, or until the chicken is thoroughly cooked.
In the last 20-30 minutes of cooking, add the additional vegetables. You can wait to add the green onion if desired and use it to garnish the dish when serving.
Serve with rice (I cook my rice in the crock-pot) or on a bed of your favorite 100% whole grain or gluten free noodles.

Easy as Pie is a Really Stupid Saying

When I asked my awesome friend, Todd, what he would like to make as a guest on my blog, without blinking he said, "apple pie with a cheddar cheese crust." He said it with such confidence that I completely forgot that I have never really made any sort of pastry from scratch and there might have been a reason for it.  But I was trying to shake off my veggie burger failure from the previous week, so I quickly agreed.  Also because I liked the idea of then having a pie to eat for breakfast, lunch and dinner until it was all gone.  That was on my really weird bucket list.    

Recipe #14: Apple Pie with Cheddar Crust

Choice of libation:  Because I thought the flavours would go well with apple pie (and because I hadn't slept in two days) I drank a soy latte with caramel.  No, booze this time, because I was drunk on friendship. AND MURDER. No, jk, just friendship.  

Choice of music: We actually had the HBO series, Getting On, in the background.  I had never seen it before and Todd has amazing taste in TV shows.  Though hilarious, it made me feel awkward.  I mean, even more so than usual.

PART ONE: The Cheddar Crust

The crust needs to be made ahead of time so I prepared it at my house.  Butter, cheddar and flour.  Pretty straight forward, right?

Because I was making enough for two pies, I think my underused food processor got a little overwhelmed...because...that's not good, right?

Here's something I forgot: Food processors have blades in them.  So when you're using your hands to scoop out the dough, don't forget that please.  

On the upside, how adorable is this "LOL" band-aid?

PART TWO: The Pie!

How adorable is this prep station that Todd set up in his lovely home?! 

The apples had to be peeled first, which meant Todd got to see how truly awful my knife skills were. I was partially distracted by how hilarious and heartbreaking Niecy Nash, Alex Borstein and Laurie Metcalf were being on the show. But really, I have a fear of sharp knives, especially since the food processor incident had happened a mere 48 hours before... 

Todd is seen here, coring apples like a pro.  Occasionally he'd look over at my station and say, "Emjoy, wait, what are you doing? That's not how you should hold that knife... No, no, your thumb should be...oh, well.  That's fine," chuckle and continue to do Martha Stewart proud. 

Mmm...look at all that sugar and cinnamon and lemon juice. This filling was good enough to eat even before putting it in a pie.  And don't think I didn't.  Because I totally did.

Todd rolling out the first ball of dough.  Can you tell he does Cross-Fit?  I figure people who bake for a living must be really cut, right? 

The perfectly rolled out dough becomes the bottom crust. I feel that is slang for something. 

Oh well.

This portion of pie-making was not sponsored by Starbucks.  

Look! I helped too!  Note that I am pinching the crust into a design.  It is especially impressive because sometime after this, my LOL band-aid refused to stick to itself and so I did the rest of the pie with one hand.  There was a part of the day where we ran around Todd's house trying to find tape or a stapler to the band-aid back together.  LOL. 

Brushing the top of the pie with the egg wash! IT'S GETTING REALLY REAL!

We had extra dough and apple filling so we made a rustic tart.  I couldn't wait to taste it.

Another fun thing that happened was me burning myself putting the pie in the oven while also trying to hold my band-aid together.  I WASN'T EVEN DRUNK, YOU GUYS.

The beautiful Sarah Welborn stopped by and though she is not eating sugar these days, she was there for us emotionally.  All in all, Todd is a rock star, Sarah is a vegan princess, and my left hand was both cut and burned in this process. But it was totally worth it.

You. Guys.  

Stolen from...

Martha Stewart Living

CHEDDAR CRUST

2 1/2 cups all-purpose flour, plus more for dusting

1 teaspoon sugar

1/2 teaspoon salt

14 tablespoons (1 3/4 sticks) cold unsalted butter, cut into small pieces

4 ounces white cheddar cheese, coarsely grated (about 1 1/2 cups)

1/2 cup ice water

STEP 1

Process flour, sugar, and salt in a food processor. Add butter; pulse until pea-size lumps appear. Pulse in cheese. With processor running, add ice water; process just until dough comes together.

STEP 2

Turn dough out; gather into a block. Wrap in plastic wrap. Refrigerate until cold, at least 30 minutes or up to 2 days.

PIE

Cheddar Crust

1 1/2 pounds (about 3) Granny Smith apples, peeled, cored, and cut into 1/4-inch-thick wedges

2 pounds (about 5) Cortland apples, peeled, cored, and cut into 1/4-inch thick wedges

1 cup sugar

1/2 cup all-purpose flour

2 teaspoons fresh lemon juice

3/4 teaspoon ground cinnamon

1/4 teaspoon freshly grated nutmeg

1/4 teaspoon salt

1/8 teaspoon ground cloves

2 tablespoons unsalted butter, cut into small pieces

1 large egg, beaten

DIRECTIONS

STEP 1

Preheat oven to 450 degrees. Divide dough into two pieces. On a lightly floured work surface, roll out each to a 13-inch circle.

STEP 2

Fit one circle into a 10-inch pie plate; transfer plate to a baking sheet. Put other circle on another baking sheet. Refrigerate dough until cold, at least 30 minutes.

STEP 3

Stir together apples, sugar, flour, lemon juice, cinnamon, nutmeg, salt, and cloves. Spoon into bottom pie crust. Dot filling with butter. Cover with top crust. Fold edges over; crimp decoratively to seal. Cut a steam vent. Chill in freezer until firm, about 30 minutes.

STEP 4

Brush with egg. Bake pie 10 minutes. Reduce oven temperature to 350 degrees.bake until golden brown, about 45 minutes. Tent with foil; bake until juices are bubbling, about 45 minutes more. Let cool at least 1 1/2 hours before serving.

Hey, Some Of My Best Friends Are Vegetarians...

I tried to go vegetarian twice.  Once, in high school, because a classmate with amazing cheekbones and muscle tone swore by the diet. I really did try.  For three days.  But when you're growing up in a Filipino household, vegetarian basically just means eating rice and soy sauce. It turns out that classmate just had good genetics because what she actually ate was Doritos and ramen every day. I tried another time, in college. I gave up meat for Lent.  For...four days.  And then I felt like that lady in My Big Fat Greek Wedding: Is chicken meat?  Okay, but how about lamb?  ...Needless to say I am a terrible vegetarian.  But I do enjoy a good veggie burger.

Recipe #13: Black Bean Burger

Choice of libation:  Water with lemon and mint.  Listen: I'm not always a lush. Just mostly.

Choice of music: I figured to really get in the spirit of vegetarianism, I should listen to a vegetarian musician, so I went with Morrissey's album, Bona Drag.  It seemed appropriately whimsical and angsty.

Ah, it all began so simply: cook the quinoa, add garlic and seasoning. Easypeasy.

While the quinoa cooked, I sauteed the shallot, garlic and red peppers.  Also, Hairdresser on Fire is a fantastic song.

I could have just posted the picture of chopped cilantro from the last entry. But I don't print lies. Also, I wanted you to see how pretty my new spring nail colour is.

THIS IS THE DEBUT OF MY FOOD PROCESSOR ON THIS BLOG!!!  Usually I'm too lazy to climb the ladder to grab it above the fridge and I end up using the blender instead.  But Morrissey is highly motivating.  Maybe also because I wasn't wasted at this point.

After pulsing the veggies and beans together, I dumped in the quinoa and cilantro. It didn't look like it did on the website I stole this from.  But I was trying not to panic. Everything smelled like cumin. In a good way.

Um...so.  I'm supposed to hand-form the patties into palm-sized burgers.  But.  I mean.  Is it supposed to be the consistency of oatmeal?  Survey says no.  Oops.   I don't think I did it right.

I covered the patties in saran wrap and put them in the fridge overnight, hoping they would...become...less...gruel-ly?  I actually ended up putting all of them back into a bowl and folding cornstarch into the mix to draw out moisture.  

I don't know about this, you guuuuuys...

Also, I forgot the panko breadcrumbs, so I toasted multi-grain bread and crumbled enough to coat the gruel burgers.  

Well...They look like burgers now.  I'm gonna be honest with you: The magic of Morrissey's Bona Drag had worn off at this point, and I was a little over this recipe.  But I forged on.  Because I love you so.

I pan fried them, because someone told me it would probably hang together better that way.  Even in the gorgeous cast iron pan, these aren't looking amazing.

I sauteed some shallots in oil and balsamic, spread some mint/garlic/yogurt from this recipe on some toasted sourdough and sprinkled arugula and goat cheese and it wasn't awful.  I came to the conclusion that though this wasn't my favorite thing I've made this year, it was probably because I did something wrong early in the process.  Probably because I wasn't drinking alcohol. 

stolen from...

thetalkingkitchen.com

1- 15 oz. can black beans, rinsed and drained

2 c. cooked quinoa, (~ 1 c. raw + 2 c. water + 1/2 tsp sea salt + 5 cloves garlic, minced)

2 Tbsp olive or grapeseed oil

1 shallot, diced

1/2 red bell pepper, diced

1/4 tsp whole cumin seeds

1/2 tsp smoked paprika

1/2 tsp red pepper flakes

1/4 tsp sea salt (for veggies)

1/4 tsp smoked sea salt (for beans)

1/2-1 c. panko bread crumbs

1 c. cilantro leaves, loosely packed

Instructions

Begin by sautéing the bell pepper, cumin seeds, red pepper flakes, and shallot in 1/2 Tbsp of oil for a few mins, then add the garlic and sea salt, sauté for a minute or two more, turn off heat and set aside.

Next, in a food processor, add the beans, cooled veggies, paprika, and smoked salt. Pulse until just combined.

Then add the cooked quinoa and cilantro, again pulse until combined.

Hand form into palm-sized burger patties.

Refrigerate for at least 10 minutes. Remove from fridge, let cool for 5 minutes, then coat each side in panko bread crumbs, being sure to push down to adhere the breadcrumbs to the burger.

Pan fry in remaining oil for 3 minutes on each side.

Enjoy like a burger.

"This pesto is bomb." -- Justin Bieber

Granted, Biebs wasn't necessarily talking about this specific pesto, but he did say it about some pesto once. Probably.  Maybe it was a different Justin Bieber.  Anyway, here's the deal -- I had a bunch of cilantro left over from last week and was afraid it would go bad, so I made cilantro pesto, not really following a recipe.  It wasn't terrible...

Recipe #12: Cilantro Pesto Pasta with Chicken

Choice of libation: Branca Menta (an Italian liqueur with herbs and mint essential oil) in ginger beer.  That was a terrible idea.  Why did I do that?  Yuck.  

Choice of music: Cilantro pesto seems very 80's to me.  I don't know why.  So I listened to "Make it Big," the second album from British pop duo, Wham! I feel like I really understand it now.  

This is about a handful and a half of cilantro.  I thought I would treat it like a normal pesto, where I would normally have some sort of green like basil or arugula or spinach...

I usually use lemon, but I was feeling lime with cilantro...

Woah, woah, woah, I'm almost done making the pesto.  Let's all slow down. Oooh, it's Careless Whisper! ...Yes. It's true: Guilty feet HAVE got no rhythm.

I also just needed to get rid of chicken in my fridge, so here. Salt,pepper, olive oil. This is a terrible terrible picture.

I folded in some whole wheat pasta and spinach, because, again, trying to get rid of stuff in the fridge and pantry.  

Oh geez, I'm sorry guys.  All of the pictures from this blog look really gross.

Toss everything together.  Actually, this one doesn't look awful.

Hooray! Throw some cheese on it (which is a good idea for most meals (unless you are lactose intolerant (or vegan))) and you're good to go. It actually tastes okay.  Not like pesto.  And actually, not like cilantro.  Mostly like garlic, which I'm okay with.  In fact, I'm pretty sure I will continue to taste the garlic from this meal for the rest of the week.  Which I am also okay with.  

I managed to complete this dish in the same amount of time it took to play the entire "Make it Big" album. That must mean something.  

This recipe wasn't stolen from anything this time...

SAUCE:

4 garlic cloves, peeled and coarsely chopped

2 cups fresh cilantro, lightly packed

1/4 cup olive oil

2 tablespoons lime juice

1/2 teaspoon salt

1/2 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper

whole wheat pasta 

3 chicken tenders

3 cups baby spinach

handful of shredded cheese of some sort

Place the garlic and cilantro in a food processor fitted with a metal blade. With the processor running, slowly add the oil, lime juice and zest, salt, and pepper. Process until smooth.

Heat oil in a large skillet over medium heat. Stir in chicken. Season with salt and pepper. Cook until chicken is golden, and cooked through.

Cook whole wheat pasta according to package instructions.  

Add pasta and spinach to chicken and toss with pesto.