Yeah. That's right. I did it. I made fried rice without using rice. I often do things that I'm sure other Asian people will shake their head at. Like naming this blog "rice-ist." Or making my AIM screen name, "dissoriental." Or that one time when my friend Sven and I were making fun of the "Oriental" sign in the international foods section at the local Safeway and terrorized shoppers by yelling and screaming show tunes from South Pacific in shopping carts until they kicked us out. To be fair, there really isn't very much to do in the summer in Renton, Washington.
(Sven and I, circa 1997, before the manager threatened to call the cops
Photography by Rachael Anne Telford)
Anyway, the lovely Laura Coover recommended a recipe to me, months ago, which replaced rice with shredded cauliflower, and while I applauded her efforts for being healthy and creative, it just seemed. So. Wrong. But cauliflower was on sale at Mariano's this week, so I went for it. Don't worry. I didn't get thrown out. This time.
Recipe #22: Cauliflower Fried "Rice"
Choice of libation: Tobin James 2011 Zinfandel. You really gotta let that one breathe a bit. I took one sip after pouring it and was afraid it was corked. I mean, it didn't stop me from drinking it, but the flavor did really change after a few minutes.
Choice of music: I thought -- what music would fit the bastardization of Asian culture? The soundtrack of Kill Bill: Volume One, of course! Actually, I friggin love that movie and album and forgot how amazing it is. Santa Esmerelda's cover of "Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood" is my jam.
Remember the last time I used the food processor and it was leaking? Or I was bleeding? Or...something. This time, NOTHING TERRIBLE HAPPENED! EVERYBODY DRINK!
At this point if you wanted to make a bunch at once, you could put extras in ziploc bags and freeze them for future use. Cuz. Even one head of cauliflower makes a crap ton of fake rice.
EVERYBODY DRINK!
Though you can probably make this a one pot creation, I sauteed the chicken with garlic, soy sauce and ginger separately because I was still shredding the cauliflower. And drinking. I am quite the little multi-tasker.
EVERYBODY DRINK!
I added chicken sausage to the saute. I wanted Lapsang sausage but they didn't have it. Amazing, Mariano's has 12 kinds of greek yogurt but no Chinese sausage. Oops, also at this point I ran out of wine.
If you have some giant wok sort of thing, dump all the cauliflower in (I added more salt, pepper, garlic and ginger in at this point) and let that cook for 3 minutes before adding whatever veggies you would like and let that cook 5 minutes more before adding the meat from the other pan.
Make a well in the center of the pan to make room for the eggs. Then stir, drink, stir, drink and stir. I stirred it as long as I could before my stomach told me it was time to plate.
SUCCESS! It was another meal, where after the first bite, I proclaimed something about my being a genius, so there's that. I could see this working for a fake jambalaya or dirty rice or whatever you'd like! EVERYBODY DRINK!*
stolen/adapted from...
familyfreshmeals.com
3 cups of grated raw cauliflower (use a cheese grater or food processor)
3-4 cups whatever veggies you enjoy
1 cup chicken, cubed (or tofu, or shrimp or whatever)
1 package of Lapsang Sausage (or chicken sausage or tempeh or whatever), chopped
3-4 garlic cloves, minced
3-4 tbsp shredded ginger
1/4 cup green onion, diced
1/2 tbsp olive oil
2 eggs (or 4 egg whites)
3 tbsp soy sauce
fresh basil to garnish
In a large pan, saute garlic and ginger and onions in olive oil on a medium/high heat, until onions become soft and transparent. (about 2-3 minutes) Add in chicken and soy sauce, cook until brown then add sausage and green onions
2. Next add in veggies and cook until things like peppers and carrots begin to soften and peas are heated through, about 3-4 minutes
3. Next stir in scrambled eggs , cauliflower and soy sauce. Cook stirring frequently for about 5-7 more minutes.
*final photo by Robert Gavino
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