Hope They Don't Take Away My Asian Card for This

Yeah.  That's right.  I did it.  I made fried rice without using rice.  I often do things that I'm sure other Asian people will shake their head at. Like naming this blog "rice-ist." Or making my AIM screen name, "dissoriental." Or that one time when my friend Sven and I were making fun of the "Oriental" sign in the international foods section at the local Safeway and terrorized shoppers by yelling and screaming show tunes from South Pacific in shopping carts until they kicked us out.  To be fair, there really isn't very much to do in the summer in Renton, Washington.

(Sven and I, circa 1997, before the manager threatened to call the cops 

Photography by Rachael Anne Telford)

Anyway, the lovely Laura Coover recommended a recipe to me, months ago, which replaced rice with shredded cauliflower, and while I applauded her efforts for being healthy and creative, it just seemed. So. Wrong.  But cauliflower was on sale at Mariano's this week, so I went for it. Don't worry.  I didn't get thrown out.  This time.

Recipe #22: Cauliflower Fried "Rice"

Choice of libation: Tobin James 2011 Zinfandel.  You really gotta let that one breathe a bit.  I took one sip after pouring it and was afraid it was corked.  I mean, it didn't stop me from drinking it, but the flavor did really change after a few minutes.

Choice of music: I thought -- what music would fit the bastardization of Asian culture? The soundtrack of Kill Bill: Volume One, of course! Actually, I friggin love that movie and album and forgot how amazing it is. Santa Esmerelda's cover of "Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood" is my jam.

Remember the last time I used the food processor and it was leaking? Or I was bleeding? Or...something.  This time, NOTHING TERRIBLE HAPPENED! EVERYBODY DRINK!

 At this point if you wanted to make a bunch at once, you could put extras in ziploc bags and freeze them for future use.  Cuz. Even one head of cauliflower makes a crap ton of fake rice. 

EVERYBODY DRINK!

Though you can probably make this a one pot creation, I sauteed the chicken with garlic, soy sauce and ginger separately because I was still shredding the cauliflower. And drinking.  I am quite the little multi-tasker.

EVERYBODY DRINK!

I added chicken sausage to the saute.  I wanted Lapsang sausage but they didn't have it.  Amazing, Mariano's has 12 kinds of greek yogurt but no Chinese sausage. Oops, also at this point I ran out of wine.

If you have some giant wok sort of thing, dump all the cauliflower in (I added more salt, pepper, garlic and ginger in at this point) and let that cook for 3 minutes before adding whatever veggies you would like and let that cook 5 minutes more before adding the meat from the other pan. 

Make a well in the center of the pan to make room for the eggs.  Then stir, drink, stir, drink and stir. I stirred it as long as I could before my stomach told me it was time to plate.

SUCCESS! It was another meal, where after the first bite, I proclaimed something about my being a genius, so there's that.  I could see this working for a fake jambalaya or dirty rice or whatever you'd like!  EVERYBODY DRINK!*

stolen/adapted from...

familyfreshmeals.com

3 cups of grated raw cauliflower (use a cheese grater or food processor)

3-4 cups whatever veggies you enjoy

1 cup chicken, cubed (or tofu, or shrimp or whatever)

1 package of Lapsang Sausage (or chicken sausage or tempeh or whatever), chopped

3-4 garlic cloves, minced

3-4 tbsp shredded ginger

1/4 cup green onion, diced

1/2 tbsp olive oil

2 eggs (or 4 egg whites) 

3 tbsp soy sauce

fresh basil to garnish

In a large pan, saute garlic and ginger and onions in olive oil on a medium/high heat, until onions become soft and transparent. (about 2-3 minutes) Add in chicken and soy sauce, cook until brown then add sausage and green onions

2. Next add in veggies and cook until things like peppers and carrots begin to soften and peas are heated through, about 3-4 minutes

3. Next stir in scrambled eggs , cauliflower and soy sauce. Cook stirring frequently for about 5-7 more minutes. 

*final photo by Robert Gavino

Spanakopita, or "Why I'm Surprised Anyone Dated Me in College"

When I was in college I was obsessed with the Greek spinach feta pie also known as spanakopita. I loved eating it and I even loved saying it. So much that in my first on campus apartment there were black and white pictures of me saying the word "spanakopita", like a series of pictures,  in the living room as decoration.  Because I had just discovered The Food Network and was a giant nerd.  Not like the cool, sophisticated woman I've become.

Anyway, I've always wanted to make it but as previously stated, baking pastries kind of scares me, so it never occurred to me that I would ever grow up to have a blog where I forced myself to cook food that I hadn't tried before and that in that blog I would make the very food item that once was displayed on our living room wall sophomore year of college.  DREAMS DO COME TRUE!

Recipe #21: Spanakopita

Choice of libation: DRY Cucumber Soda. It was a muggy day and my brother, Bobby, and I wanted something refreshing and cool.  I just had it over ice and it was sweeter than I was expecting it to be.  Not unpleasant.  Next time, I'll add gin.  

Choice of music: Bobby wanted to listen to a British Electronic group called Clean Bandit.  It's really good pop, with nice hooks.  I especially liked "Rather Be." 

Bobby took this shot. Isn't it artsy with the angles and the action and the whatnot? 

It is mainly to show you that I now have blue nail polish.

Mmmm...fresh dill, green onions and parsley. We start out with these glorious greens. 

Yeah.  I took a picture of my brother taking a picture of what we just put in a bowl. 

Isn't he cute, though?

The recipe called for fresh steamed spinach, but...

We folded in the amount of feta the recipe called for but it looked wrong. So we added 1/2 cup goat cheese. FOR CALCIUM.

I keep forgetting to buy a pastry brush because I only do recipes once a year that call for it.  Oops.  Anyway, we ended up brushing a paper towel with some olive oil then patting that onto the phyllo dough.  BECAUSE WE'RE GENIUSES. And also I had LOOKED IT UP ON THE INTERNET.

 I still didn't think we had enough cheese, but at this point we were both hangry and wanted to get this in the oven already.

With two people in the kitchen, Pippin knew her chances of catching food in her mouth had doubled.

After layering olive oiled phyllo dough sheets, we packed in the spinach filling. 

I know. It doesn't look like much of anything - this was right before we put it in the oven.

In the end it did LOOK like the stuff I order at Greek restaurants.  I will say this recipe was really basic and when I make it again, I will fold caramelized shallots and roasted garlic into the mix, with lemon juice and zest and maybe a bit of red pepper.  But, I mean. I'm not gonna not eat it.  And I still really enjoy saying it: SPA-NA-KO-PI-TA!

stolen from...

closetcooking.com

2 pounds spinach, steamed, squeezed, drained and chopped

1 cup feta, crumbled

1/4 cup dill, chopped

1/4 cup parsley, chopped

1/4 cup green onions, sliced

3 eggs, lightly beaten

salt and pepper to taste

1/4 cup olive oil

12 sheets phyllo dough

Mix the spinach, feta, dill, parsley, green onions, eggs, salt and pepper in a large bowl.

Brush the bottom of an 8x8 inch baking pan with olive oil.

Brush the top of a sheet of phyllo dough with olive oil and place it in the pan. (You may have to cut the phyllo dough to fit the pan.) Repeat until you have 6 layers.

Place the spinach mixture on top of the phyllo dough.

Brush the top of a sheet of phyllo dough with olive oil and place it on the spinach. Repeat until you have 6 layers.

Bake in a preheated 350F oven until golden brown on top, about 30-50 minutes.

Bears. Bacon. Bourbon. Battlestar Galactica.

Ok.  I had a bad show.  Like, I full on tripped and fell face first into a wall onstage.  And then tripped over an audience member's foot, in the next act.  So.  I'm having a bad day. And when I'm having a bad day, I eat my feelings.  Sometimes I drink my feelings. Sometimes I cook my feelings.  Today I did all of those things.  And that is my prerogative.

ANYWAY. I wanted bacon and cheese and carbs, so I made this for myself.

Recipe #20: Sweet Potato Biscuits with Bacon, Blue Cheese and Chives

Choice of libation: What I now call "Bruised Ego Breakfast" -- We start off with the typical stuff - iced coffee, kahlua, BUT THEN, we add New Holland Beer Barrel Bourbon (which has traces of their Dragon's Milk chocolate stout in it) and this bourbon caramel sauce that the lovely Brooke Hills gave as a gift.  You guys.  This drink.  Is divine.  DOOOOO IIIIIT...

Choice of music: Sister Sparrow and the Dirty Birds - They're bluesy and loose and they go with this drink.

Ok, so I'm cheating a little.  I've actually made sweet potato biscuits before.  But I've never put bacon and blue cheese and chives in them, that's new.  I'm cheating so you and I can win, ok?  

I actually used 2 cups of whole wheat flour and only 1 cup of all purpose flour .  PRACTICALLY A SALAD (please disregard the 12 tablespoons of butter (unless you count that towards your calcium intake, like I do)).

This is actually a great recipe to try when you need to work out some frustration. Like after falling into a wall.  For example.  

More calcium.  For the cookie sheet.

Our entire place will smell like bacon for the rest of the week. And we are never sad about that.

Too misty. And too much in love.

(I actually forgot that I should have mashed the sweet potatoes beforehand with the milk, but I got too excited.  And by excited, I MIGHT mean drunk)

Yes, I use janky scissors on my chives.  Say it: I am a philistine.

All the good things in life are in this picture, right here.

Further proof, we might drink too much...Yes, that IS a beer goblet I am using to cut out biscuits.

Think about it. If I can make these beautiful baked goods while I'm half in the bag, think of how easy it must be. They're real real good, though.  Variations you might wanna try -- sharp white cheddar and green onions or maple and cinnamon with cream cheese...Happy baking! Good night.  

adapted from foodnetwork.com

(Food Network's former diva, Paula Deen (I'm still mad at her, but the woman knows her buttery baked items))

2 cups cooked mashed sweet potato (about 2 large sweet potatoes)

1/3 cup milk, as needed (I used coconut and almond milk)

1 cups all-purpose flour, plus more for dusting

2 cups whole wheat flour

3 tablespoons sugar

2 tablespoon baking powder

2 teaspoon salt

12 tablespoons cold unsalted butter, cut into small bits

about 5 slices of bacon

3 or 4 tablespoons of chives

1/2 cup blue cheese

Place a rack in the center of the oven and preheat to 425 degrees F. Grease a baking sheet (with butter, oil or cooking spray).

Cook the bacon, let cool then chop to desired size

Chop up chives

In a small bowl, whisk together the sweet potatoes and 1/3 cup milk. Set aside.

In a large bowl, whisk together the flour, sugar, baking powder and salt. Cut in the butter with your hands, a pastry blender or two knives until the mixture resembles coarse meal. Add the sweet potato mixture and fold gently to combine. Add the remaining milk a little at a time until all the flour is moistened. The amount of milk you will need will depend on the moisture of the sweet potato.

Sprinkle a small handful of flour on a work surface. Turn the dough out onto the surface and knead lightly 2 to 3 times with the palm of your hand until the mixture comes together. 

Fold in the chives, cheese 

Pat the dough out into a 1/2-inch-thick round.

Using a 2 1/2-inch-round biscuit cutter, cut the dough into biscuits. Gently reroll the scraps and cut out more biscuits. Place the biscuits on the prepared baking sheet and bake until light golden brown and firm to the touch, 12 to 14 minutes. Serve these fluffy biscuits warm or at room temperature.

Penne for Your Thoughts (except I used Farfalle, but whatever)

It looks and feels like spring finally! The sun! The flowers! The generic Benadryl!  Anyway, I've been craving slightly lighter fare these days and thought a lovely pasta salad would be a good way to usher myself into the new season...

Recipes  #18 and #19: Roasted Beet / Goat Cheese Pasta Salad and Sage Walnut Pesto

Choice of libation: Pellegrino with lemon.  I am not above day drinking, but if, at 11:00 am on a Monday, the lady at the convenience store looks at you with concern and says, "Oh.  Are you okay? You look very tired," it's probably a good idea to hold off.
Choice of music: India. Arie's Acoustic Soul - Special Edition. Did you know that there are like 37 versions of the songs "Video" and "Brown Skin"? Me neither.

Roasting beets can take a long time, so I did that first, while I prepped the pesto.  I read somewhere that when you wrap beets in foil, it's not really roasting, it's steaming the beets, so I drizzled them with olive oil and sea salt before putting them in the oven in a baking pan, hoping to bring out a deeper flavour.*

So the original recipe called for a spinach pesto, but the website also had an idea for a sage and walnut pesto, so I went for that instead. Because I was feeling contrary.

I like things that take less than 5 minutes to make: place first five ingredients in food processor, pulse, add next two ingredients, pulse, done.  

Spring colours*!

Ah, but I do enjoy the international food section at grocery stores.  Especially when they play what they consider "ethnic music" above you. Want pasta? Here is some quivery Italian guitar instrumentals to inspire you!

Remember those beets from before? After I roasted them with balsamic and olive oil and onions, I clumsily chopped and peeled them. Then my hands and white cutting board looked like I had just committed a terrible crime. Sorry, no picture.  What a wasted opportunity.  Dang it.

On the up side, I just found this new filter on my camera.  

 After mixing the beets, onions, sun-dried tomatoes and basil, it was time to dump the pesto in, mix and let it chill for an hour in the fridge. Which sucked because I wanted to eat the salad immediately. And I hadn't even mixed in the goat cheese!

Um.  I just now tasted this and proclaimed, "I AM AWESOME AND WILL EAT THIS EVERYDAY, FOREVER." Though I do have a tendency to exaggerate sometimes, you will want to try this.

*it has come to my attention that people (NAMELY MY HUSBAND) were concerned that I didn't know the proper American spelling of words like color and flavor because I've been adding the letter "u" to them.  Please know that I recognize how most people in the United States spell those words. I just like to be fancy.  Especially when I'm drunk.  Which is usually my condition when I'm writing this blog. As you were.  

stolen (and changed a bit) from...
littleleopardbook.com

WALNUT SAGE PESTO
1 cup fresh sage
1 cup fresh Italian parsley
4 cloves garlic (crushed)
½ tsp black pepper
1 cup walnuts
½ cup olive oil
1 lemon (juiced)
¼ cup water

Begin by adding the sage and parsley to a food processor.
Next, add the garlic, black pepper and walnuts.
Puree in the food processor for 15 seconds then add the lemon juice.
Turn the food processor back on and add the olive oil through the pour spout at the top.
Next, add the water while continuing to puree an additional 30-60 seconds or until all ingredients are combined.

ROASTED BEET AND GOAT CHEESE PASTA SALAD
3 medium beets (peeled and quartered)
1 tbsp Enzo Olive Oil
1 tbsp balsamic vinegar
½ red onion (diced)
1 cup uncooked pasta (I recommend macaroni, penne or small shells)
¼ cup sun dried tomatoes (chopped)
¼ cup fresh basil (chopped)
1 cup spinach pesto
¼ cup goat cheese (crumbled)

Preheat the oven to 450°.
Place the beets in a baking pan with the olive oil, sea salt and balsamic vinegar.
Add the diced red onion, then place in the oven for 45-60 minutes.
Remove from the oven, open the foil and allow the beets to cool 10-15 minutes.
Cook the pasta according to package directions.
Drain the cooked pasta, place in a large mixing bowl then add the sun dried tomatoes and basil. Chop the roasted beets, then add the beets and onions.
Add the spinach pesto.
Mix well then place in the refrigerator to chill for one hour.
Add the goat cheese before serving.

Bacon Jam?! I Hardly Know Her! (...I'm so tired)

I have two excuses why this blog post is late /  looks weird
1.  The camera on my phone broke so I now have to use the camera on Chad's phone, except I don't really know how to use the flash on it, so now everything just looks like it is in a Lifetime Television for Women 90's romance movie.

2. I'm in sleep-deprived tech week and have been eating those Starbucks pretentious lunchables for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

Oh you guys. Stop crying. I've missed you, too.

Recipe #17: Onion Bacon Marmalade

Choice of libation:  Dewar's White Label scotch - I figured while making a manly condiment, I figured I needed a manly drink.  Also, SPOILER ALERT, this came in handy later.

Choice of music:  Chad was watching The Challenge on MTV. I'm sorry. That is a terrible show. And coming from someone who watches Lifetime movies that is saying something.

Hm.  So the first batch of bacon didn't go over so well.  I took one for the team and ate the really burned ones, but I wasn't really off to a great start.

Ah yes, that's better. Look at that beautiful color. And now the whole place smells like bacon.  Which is usually the goal. 

So I didn't read the recipe very carefully (remember? tech week?) and didn't realize it said "apple cider." I thought it needed "apple cider vinegar." After dumping the first cup in, I realized my mistake and ladled out as much of the liquid as I could.  While we didn't have apple cider, we did have scotch.  So.

While waiting for the onions to soften, I used the cutting board as a cover and chopped the bacon into tiny pieces.  I may not be able to read a recipe correctly, but I am at least efficient.

At this point, the kitchen is smelling amazing -- bacon still permeates but now the sweet onion and whiskey smells may be forever in our walls.  I am not mad at it.

You may be wondering why all of a sudden it looks like this wasn't taken from a camera phone.  That is because Chad left the house before I could take a picture of the end result so this a picture of what the onion bacon marmalade is SUPPOSED to look like. It did actually look like this. I promise.  

What does one do with onion bacon marmalade?  Good question!  I topped my macaroni and cheese with it.  That was pretty good, but in which case I should have added extra bacon, for a crunchier texture.

What ended up being a very good idea was making a meatloaf and folding a cup of the marmalade into the the ground meat along with herbs, goat cheese, tomato paste and bread crumbs. And then adding another layer of marmalade on top of the meat loaf as a sort of glaze. Because.  Yum.

stolen from

patiodaddybbq.com

4 lbs Yellow onions, halved and sliced to 1/4" (I used sweet onions)

4 slices Thick bacon (personally, I would have gone with at least 6 or 8 slices)

2 cups Apple cider (though as mentioned before, I used scotch and if I did this recipe again, I would probably want to use whiskey again, except next time, maybe a nice bourbon)

1/4 cup Sherry vinegar (white wine vinegar is fine)

1/4 cup Brown sugar

10 sprigs Thyme, stripped from the stem (about 2 Tbsp)

1 Tbsp Kosher salt

2 tsp Black pepper

Heat a Dutch oven or large heavy sauce pan over medium-high heat.

Cook the bacon until it's just crisp, then remove the slices and set aside, leaving all of the rendered fat in the pan.

Add the onions and salt to the pan, reduce the heat to medium, cover, and cook until the onions soften (about 15 minutes).

Chop the bacon fine and add it and the remaining ingredients to the pan. Cook uncovered until the liquid is reduced to almost nothing, stirring occasionally (about an hour).

Reduce the heat to low and continue cooking until the onions are a rich medium brown color, stirring frequently (about 10 minutes). If it starts looking too dry, add water 1/4 cup at a time.

Remove from the heat, set aside, and let cool.

(Makes about four cups)